Submitted by William Schindler (not verified) on April 9, 2009 - 21:14.
I agree substantially with Cyrus's position, and at the same time I feel the whole top-vs.-bottom issue misses a crucial point. When men ask me if I am a top or a bottom, my impulse is to say, "Neither." For me this is more than a coy way of saying, "versatile," however. I resist any label that seems to limit my erotic expression. I can manifest many different erotic roles depending on my partner, the situation, and other subtle factors too numerous and dynamic to pin down with labels.
Over and above my aversion to this kind of labeling is my deep conviction that the relationship—the actual process of relating intimately to another man—is, or should be, more important than any given sexual act. Cyrus alludes to this in finding sexual invitations without prior acquaintance off-putting. If I can cultivate true intimacy, a gentle touch on the hand can be more intimate and hot than all the "pounding" in the world. When I look back over roughly 35 years of active, gay life, it is not the sexual acts I remember most, but rather how fully I was able to know a man and be known by him. Some of my most intimate moments occurred with a man with whom I did not have sex at all, and he is the one I remember most often when I think of men I've loved.
As I've written before in response to other blogs, I believe we all want to love and to be loved, but that we gay folk often settle for sex instead because it's easier, or because of internalized homophobia that convinces us that we are neither worthy nor capable of love. In the name of liberation we embraced all-sex-all-the-time as an ideal, but the terrible cost has been an epidemic of loneliness and spiritual emptiness. In essence we bought into homophobic society's appraisal of gayness meaning just what we do in bed, and now some of us wear that as a symbol of freedom from hetero norms, oblivious to the irony.
I have had enough sex-first-relationship-later (if at all) encounters to know I want more than another hot sexual experience, another notch on my erotic pistol. I want to know another man and be known by him, and if a loving sexual relationship grows out of that process, great. If not, my life is more enriched, more ennobled by reaching for love than by just getting off. When a man I don't know asks me what I like sexually, I like to say, "Get to know me as a person, and the sex will take care of itself."
___________________________
Finally, I want to add a point of information regarding terminology. In the leather community top and bottom do not refer to who fucks or gets fucked but to roles of dominance and submission. A leather top could direct his bottom to fuck him like a drunken baboon, for instance, and good leather bottoms do as they're told.
Those unfamiliar with leather traditions often mistakenly assume leathersex is not about intimacy but about abuse of one kind or another. Responsible, knowledgeable SmBd play is safe, sane, consensual, and fun, and the communication and self-awareness needed to create a mutually enjoyable leather scene encourages a depth of mutual knowing that can easily surpass less conscious forms of sexual expression.
I agree substantially with
I agree substantially with Cyrus's position, and at the same time I feel the whole top-vs.-bottom issue misses a crucial point. When men ask me if I am a top or a bottom, my impulse is to say, "Neither." For me this is more than a coy way of saying, "versatile," however. I resist any label that seems to limit my erotic expression. I can manifest many different erotic roles depending on my partner, the situation, and other subtle factors too numerous and dynamic to pin down with labels.
Over and above my aversion to this kind of labeling is my deep conviction that the relationship—the actual process of relating intimately to another man—is, or should be, more important than any given sexual act. Cyrus alludes to this in finding sexual invitations without prior acquaintance off-putting. If I can cultivate true intimacy, a gentle touch on the hand can be more intimate and hot than all the "pounding" in the world. When I look back over roughly 35 years of active, gay life, it is not the sexual acts I remember most, but rather how fully I was able to know a man and be known by him. Some of my most intimate moments occurred with a man with whom I did not have sex at all, and he is the one I remember most often when I think of men I've loved.
As I've written before in response to other blogs, I believe we all want to love and to be loved, but that we gay folk often settle for sex instead because it's easier, or because of internalized homophobia that convinces us that we are neither worthy nor capable of love. In the name of liberation we embraced all-sex-all-the-time as an ideal, but the terrible cost has been an epidemic of loneliness and spiritual emptiness. In essence we bought into homophobic society's appraisal of gayness meaning just what we do in bed, and now some of us wear that as a symbol of freedom from hetero norms, oblivious to the irony.
I have had enough sex-first-relationship-later (if at all) encounters to know I want more than another hot sexual experience, another notch on my erotic pistol. I want to know another man and be known by him, and if a loving sexual relationship grows out of that process, great. If not, my life is more enriched, more ennobled by reaching for love than by just getting off. When a man I don't know asks me what I like sexually, I like to say, "Get to know me as a person, and the sex will take care of itself."
___________________________
Finally, I want to add a point of information regarding terminology. In the leather community top and bottom do not refer to who fucks or gets fucked but to roles of dominance and submission. A leather top could direct his bottom to fuck him like a drunken baboon, for instance, and good leather bottoms do as they're told.
Those unfamiliar with leather traditions often mistakenly assume leathersex is not about intimacy but about abuse of one kind or another. Responsible, knowledgeable SmBd play is safe, sane, consensual, and fun, and the communication and self-awareness needed to create a mutually enjoyable leather scene encourages a depth of mutual knowing that can easily surpass less conscious forms of sexual expression.