Dear Kirk,
I am having trouble being on the internet too much. At first I got online because it made me feel less isolated, but now I feel like I’m online for hours. It’s actually become more isolating for me. I can spend hours not doing much, just going between websites and cruising for sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict because I’m not even having that much sex. I do a lot of checking email, shopping, looking at a hand full of websites. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end because I’m lost in cyberspace. What can I do?
— Lost in Cyberspace
There’s a great song by Le Tigre called “Get Off the Internet.” The lyrics go “It feels so 80s or early 90s / to be political / where are my friends?” A lot of those friends are trying to figure out how to integrate the new technology into our lives in a way that balances face to face interaction, exercise, sex in three dimensions and our creative practices. Everywhere you look, people are displaying obsessive compulsive behaviors — clicking on “Get Mail” hundreds of times in the space of an hour, looking at their phones, standing in the middle of Safeway scrolling around on their iPhones. We’re definitely in a period of transition.
I just read an interesting book called “Against the Machine,” by Lee Siegel. He talks about how the internet has been heralded as a totally democratic space where everyone has a voice, how it’s revolutionary. His premise is that it CAN be revolutionary and democratic, but that at its core, the internet is a technological tool designed to make us rabid consumers and more efficient workers. It’s a compelling argument. He doesn’t think we should go back to stone ovens and sundials but does encourage us to think in more complicated ways about the internet and its impact on our lives.
Internet addiction is like food or sex addiction in that there’s nothing inherently wrong with using the internet. It’s our relationship to it that needs attention. Here are some things to try if you feel like you’re a slave to your devices.
If you feel like it’s becoming a problem, there are some small steps you can take as a remedy. If you are compulsively checking your cell phone to see what time it is, try wearing a wristwatch. Try leaving the house occasionally without your phone. See how it feels to be unreachable. What sorts of thoughts do you have when you aren’t interrupted? Try checking your email at certain times each day — what would it be like to wait until noon to go online? What about checking twice a day? Many people would say “I use email for work, so I have to be online all day long.” Are there other ways that you can be mindful of your internet use?
What about one day a week where you have a day of fasting from the internet?
For gay men in particular, the way we find sexual partners has radically shifted thanks to the internet. For some people, it’s a relief to not have to navigate bars and sex clubs. And while that can be true, some people feel like they’re missing out on human contact by not meeting people in real time. It allows us to screen out anyone who doesn’t fit into our specific demographics of who we’re attracted to. It’s a lot like, well, shopping.
Recently I had a potluck dinner at my house where 12 people took turns talking about technology and how they used it. We discussed cell phones, blackberries, iPhones and computers. The point wasn’t to make anyone feel like they had a problem, rather to hear how people were doing. It was really helpful to hear different coping strategies and levels of comfort.
One place to start is to do an inventory of your tech usage. Look at your cell phone bill to see how many calls you make. Try keeping a pad next to your computer so you can keep track of when you’re online. Make a hash mark each time you check for new email. This can be a really scary thing to do, but it will help you get a sense of how much these devices are playing a role in your life.
Maybe it’s not a problem for you. People have different levels of tolerance for using the internet. Maybe you feel anxious and sleepless because you surf online right before you go to bed. It’s going to be different for everyone.
If you feel curious about this, keeping a diary about it is a great tool for examination. It’s sort of like when you go to an allergist and they ask you to keep a food diary. You may not even realize what you’re eating or how often. It’s easy to lose track of how much we’re online or how many times we play with our phones. So try paying more attention to that.
For Mac users, there’s a free program called “Freedom,” that disables your internet access for 8 hours, or until you restart your computer. It creates an extra step. For Windows users, there are also similar free applications.
See how it goes, and if you find a surefire way to stay off facebook, please let me know.
Dear Lost In Cyberspace, You
Dear Lost In Cyberspace,
You know you're spending too much time on the Internet when:
* a trick finally comes by and exclaims: "Christ ur ass is THREE times the size as ur pic."
* you regularly piss ur pants "chatting" because the bathroom's too far away, and the bucket at your feet is full from ashtray dumps
* you've read and replied to all your spam
* the dog died months ago and you still haven't disposed of the carcass
* you feel compelled to contribute to blogs without thinking twice about whether or not you have anything worth saying
yktjruzw http://tijwlgrq.com
yktjruzw http://tijwlgrq.com jdpufepc dtdpnrhd
Oh what a fairy land it is,
Oh what a fairy land it is, all the pretty lights, flashing banner ads, endless profiles that seem the same after so long...
Two words: cold turkey. Remove your facebook/gaydar profile(or better yet, remove your photos and see how quickly you're off the cheer squad.) DO what the man says and check your emails once. Try once a WEEK to start with. Prune it back hard. You've let yourself go for so long and wasted so much time - use the fear to justify a time of discipline.
Doing this will show how shallow and meaningless modern life can be (manifesting in "boredom") now that survival is taken care of. How arrogant our over inflated expectations have become! Wanting it NOW simply leads to wanting it even "NOWer," not to mention the sliding self worth, the frustration and tail-chasing when you don't get it. But does that mean we should distract ourselves with what is ultimately a waste of time, selecting and choosing from the choices that are manfactured to look like we have lots of choices?
Plant vegetables, cut your plastic bag useage, build a real website with REAL content, write LONG emails with the correct punctuation and spelling, get a debit card, curb your expectations and learn again, how to take comfort in the simple things... I tell myself quietly before logging off.
Turn it all off and go out
Turn it all off and go out and meet real people! Get back in the bars & clubs ( yes, one can enjoy them without drink and drugs ) and meet real men. The internet is a terrible waste of your time.
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Just a quick question!
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Best regards :(, Dermot.
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to quote fiona apple: 'i dont
to quote fiona apple:
'i dont believe in the wasting of time but i dont believe that im wasting mine'
Most of our daily behaviors could be construed as OCD (got the keys? check the cellphone. pat the back pocket for wallet. exit door) and we don't worry at all about them.
Maybe it's not the internet that's to blame for our isolation, but a culture and lifestyle that actively promotes that isolation. Maybe the internet is that last oasis of immediate connection left in a disconnected world.
Leave the house when you're ready.
Lost in Cyberspace - Thanks,
Lost in Cyberspace - Thanks, very great article.
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