Thanks for the balanced view. Your comments are thoughtful and deserve serious thoughts. All I can say though, is that the married, (Bisexual men-- whatever they want to call themselves or you want to call them) in the hinterlands are very exploitative of gay men. (they want NSA ' discrete' [I use the mispelling on purpose] attention and sex but continue to function in a community that is very very oppressive. Seems to be a bit hypocritical and the worst sort behaviour. There's no tolerance. What I find amazing is that the gay men don't out them to their wives and church lady friends after being treated like sex objects. If you've never experienced this, lucky you, but please understand that it is reality in some places.

I am 55 and started having sex with men 18 months ago. I treat men like I do women. I have no interest in other men's cocks. I am good to my partners of both sexes. I treat everyone I meet with respect. None of my male partners has complained. When guys ask me, "When did you decide to be gay?", I answer, "I am not gay." I am sexual. I am loving. I think I sense some anger in what I read above. If the aspirations of the gay community to mainstream acceptance are real, why not accept sexuality as a part of all lives, and leave it at that? I have no idea where my life is going. Why are people of both (all?) sexual persuasions so hung up on labels? I was married to a woman for 30 years. If I get together with a woman again, will that mean I am "straight"? If I get together with a man, will that mean I am "gay"? I am honest about my sex life with anyone who is interested, including relatively casual acquaintances. My friends, male and female, gay and straight, accept me for who I am. I am not ashamed of enjoying intimate relations with either women or men. My kids (now grown) used to tell me, "In your generation, Dad, you were either gay or straight. In ours, we are all shades of gray." I realize that the discrimination gays have experienced, and continue to experience, have left some wounds, but why perpetuate the battle with limiting labels?

As someone who likes sex with both men and women, I have grown tired of the mantra that you have to align yourself with one identification or the other. It limits me, boxes me in and I resent it. The question I always get is "which" do you prefer and my answer is whoever at the time appeals to me emotionally and physically or short of that whoever is ready at the time. A beautiful, loving articulate woman is going to turn me on more than an ugly narcissistic man and a handsome intelligent emotionally open man will give me a buzz faster than a hideous self-absorbed woman. This breath of choice I have given myself doesn't make me a sexual or social nihilist nor does it make me some kind of sexual sociopath. I can and have fallen in love with partners of both sexes. I can make a commitment but that is bounded only by the duration of the relationship. But I digress because we are talking about sexuality and that may or may not have love at the core of it. Chosing a sexual partner isn't like chosing a political party or religion, its not about a platform or catechism, its about chemistry and getting turned on and performing sexually. Sexual confidence is central to whatever sex we practice and that confidence by necessity only comes with practice. Few people challenge themselves sexually; we often do what is easiest or convenient not the most satisfying. Futhermore, some gay men are attracted to women emotionally and physically but find it hard to connect with them because of condemnation of their group just as some straight men who are attracted to men aren't permitted to follow through on their desires because of lifestyle commitments. This isn't the sexual freedom that I fought for in the seventies. Limiting choice will never lead to true self discovery.

Race assignment has surpassed the five or six categories listed on the census survey so why hasn't our sexual sophistication pushed beyond the even narrower categories of straight and gay? Today we should be allowed to choose or not choose at our discretion. That is, yes, a nod to those who choose to be asexual. And if we choose, we should be allowed to change our mind without incrimination. A decision made in our teens should not define our choices for the rest of our lives. Sexual choice is not a life sentence, it can and often does evolve and change. The words homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual have meaning and significance. Why should gay and straight be the only words in the dictionary?

I used to think that bisexuality was a way-station on the road to gay-ville - heck, when I was 17, I came out as bisexual in order to hide that I was really gay. Five years later, I came out as gay.

My best friend is married to a bisexual woman. I know several bisexual men. Bisexuality exists, and there are many varieties of it - it's no big deal. Much more important than someone's sexuality to me is whether they treat others with kindness and respect.

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Great post!
Thank you.
Sexuality is a complex beast, and I am never clear on why we can't let it be whatever it wants to be. I suspect that if this was posted on a more traditional gay site, you might have more opposing viewpoints. That said, I had the opportunity to work with a group of college students. Many of them identified as bisexual, and overall, nobody seemed to care. So, perhaps we are making progress.
Also, I think an often misunderstood thing about bisexuality is that there is no preference involved. Bisexuality is often not a 50/50 prospect. A man might prefer women, but still has that 30% that can respond sexually to a man. This would be a "hetero identified" bisexual.
Finally, I think many gay men respond negatively to bisexuality because they have fought for their identity as a gay man, and they don't want to have to consider a third option. They are threatened by it.

All of the Bi guys I have had sex with have just wanted that--sex. In fact, I have yet to meet a Bi guy who kisses. Once I was with a guy who told me he was Bi, and when I went to kiss him he ran away, never to be heard from again. I think they all watch gay porn and jerk off to it, and so much gay porn is not about making out so much as physical sex.....like naked sports with other guys, or another form of wrestling. Don't get me wrong, this can be hot too, but without that emotional portion to me it is like just another sport.

Are there Bi guys out there who also have a "gay" sensibility? That is, guys who are open and honest and sensitive enough to allow themselves to fall in love with either men or women? I dunno, but I have not yet met one...the ones I have met are just gettin' some on the side and have girlfriends/wives who do not know how or are unwilling to give them a blow job.

In my experience with this type of men, I can confidently say that men who consider themselves "bisexuals" have serious issues and should immediately seek the help of therapists.

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NOTE: THIS IS WRONG. I later came across troubles with this approach. As I had a suspicion, all DLL versions have to be the same. This solution posted here is no longer relevant. I do, however, have a solution, which I will post shortly.UPDATE: Ive posted an updated solution.(There is a solution here, skip down
http://www.lewis.net

always dangerous to discuss any topic UNLESS everyone has a SHARED definition of the words used-- To me, a bisexual male is a guy whose dick gets hard when interacting with any man or any woman at any time- so there are probably MANY bisexual men around - Then we talk about preference - most guys prefer men or women --- that is to say, they are not completely indifferent about sex with a male or a female. And last, we talk about lifestyle -- you can live a largely gay or largely straight lifestyle - regardless of your sexuality.

Good article there... I would like to say that I consider myself a Bisexual guy, but that whenever I mention this to my gay friends they sneer and scornfully ask when was the last time I'd had sex with a woman. I can recall a few occasions when I have fancied a girl at a party and been fancied back but had it foiled when someone 'helpfully' told the girl oh no sweetie, he's gay and prevented anything that might have happened. I don't know why gays take it so personally. Usually straight people are okay with it, although I had one woman at work suddenly comment that Bisexuals will shag anything with a hole and a pulse which I probably should have taken more offense to than I did. Life isn't easier or more convenient being Bi, it's much harder for most. I'm very open about it so it doesn't cause me too much trouble, though generally people consider me gay.
I'm much more into guys it's true, but I remember a time when I was mostly into girls and shrugged off my homosexual fantasies as nothing more than that - fantasies. I also enjoyed sex with girls even if it has been a while now and all of my gay friends make vomiting motions whenever they think about it. To my mind, that makes me Bi. I don't see why after taking so many years to accept my gay side and be open about it I should now 'closet' my hetero side. No way man. I am what I am.

Hi. I had sex with a guy this past summer, who informed me after the deed, that he was straight. I laughed, and he continued, in all seriousness, to explain to me what this meant to him. For him, it meant that while he was attracted to men, and had lots of sex with men, he couldn't connect emotionally with men. He could with women though. He told me many stories of his numerous affairs with men. We hooked up a couple times and it was good. But I had trouble with this guy. I felt that he had cut me out of the picture, that I was only good enough for physical stimulation, and that any emotional attachment would be on my side only. It made me feel pigeonholed. I felt objectified. So I stopped being with him. I don't know if he considered himself bi, but I do think that by blocking emotional attachments to men, he freed himself up for sex with men. I've been with more than a few guys that identify as straight, but I have never been with a man who told me he was bi. I wonder if this could be the difference, the lack of emotional attachment. Perhaps men who consider themselves bi are willing and able to develop feelings for their partner, straight or gay. I don't know.

This article is ridiculous..that too from a gay guy. I can understand if straight people go on with gay and bi bashing because they think that an alternate lifestyle is evil, but to hear these kinda bashing from gays, its just ridiculous...I read some of the above posts and some of you have said that bisexuals have serious problems, well thats what straight people think about gays too. Different strokes for different folks, why can't you guys just leave it at that...

I dont have a problem with guys who are open and honest about their desires, if a married man wants to have sex with other men then I would hope that he has been through lots of discussions with his wife and they have come to a mutual decision and again that he is honest with guys that he comes into contact with. Being emotionally unavailable is a difficult trait to recognise if the sex is good, especially if the heat of the moment makes them tell you they love you but then want nothing to do with you until the next hook-up.
I believe that marrying someone who doesnt love you for you denies one of the main problems with relationships where friendship isnt a fundamental structure.
Being trapped just isnt a good enough excuse anymore, I know people who's parents have split up for worse reasons than their dad liking a bit of cock and they get on fine.
The fact of the matter is, whatever your sexuality, (and I dont agree with labels) by hiding your true self you are slowing down gay rights for people who do choose to live a gay lifestyle.

Oh dear! "Bi"! All I can say is look at my last Governor McGreevy of Jersey. Says it all. I've met many many "bi" ( Gay & married to women) men in my life. Each and every one has been UNHAPPY & conflicted. Just my experience, which I think it psychologically correct. There is no such thing as being "bi". Sure, I had my few steady girlfriends in high school and college - and while the sexual release felt great at 18-20 I was always looking at the hot guys. I do thank gosh that I came of age during the 80's when being gay started to become much more accepted in life. Now look at things today - all the gay people on tv and such - unheard of in the 50's and 60's - which produced many older 'bi' men today. Oh well I could go on and on here - and I'm certain that there will be many opinions here - but ya can't sway me away from my experience of what a 'bi' man is - conflicted, confused, and UNHAPPY. I've not met a happy 'bi' guy through many years. Nothing any 'bi' man says here will change my mind. There is no such thing as 'bi' psychologically.

Hi. I like your blog. well done!

Wow, I think there are very few bi's whom are well adjusted to "duo desires." They're just not sure who to make a life with, which does require that you be emotionally avail., one way or another to build a healthy loving relationship with one partner or another. Thats a big dilemma
to conquer, its one thing when in your late teens; early 20's, especially as a male; to fly by the seat of your pants back and forth btw the two sex groups as you gain knowledge about who you are to yourself 1st, sexually. But personally, I think there are very few guys willing to put that much work into "THINKING" about it, but, rather just get on with filling their immediate
desires.

I try to put myself in thier shoes, I'd be honest about myself, once I've realized my desires for both, break it down: just how bi am I? Do I desire women more than men, or is it the opposite?

If its a woman that I want to have a family with; being open about my wanting a male now and then; probably better to find a bi-woman (ideally ofcourse) who wants the same kind of lifestyle I do. Or, if she who is (hetero) is just that secure with my other desire and wants a relationship/marriage/family with me still, then on myside, find a man that would be suitable (mirrors my exact needs) he too is married, but needs a male now and then.

This ofcourse requires honesty, respect (no deception) with others, being responsible in the sense that I don't leave any psychological destruction in my wake, while getting my rocks off, lol.

I also think for the sake of "effective communication" some "labels" in life are most certainly needed, hell, you have to have some sort of definitions, that's just reality, folks, labels/definitions are too often used in the ugliest ways (agreed, ok?) too often used in the worst of terms.

Reading some of the responses on here makes me wonder, if some gay folks are like the "crabs in the bucket syndrome" pull you down to my level and all the shit I'm subjected to for being gay, how bitter is that? I think bi's have a hard enough time without us gay folks bashing them. Yeah, there are some on the way to gayhood, so f***ing what! Look, if you
can think with your brain first, then don't get in the situation where your heart gets broken because of someone whom is cunfused or in denial and your dumb enough to get involved emotionally (you've turned of your thinking cap), lol, if you ever had it anyway.

Also, deception, taking advantage of vulnerabilities goes both ways, quite often...

If he's not the kissing type, NSA, ect., stop right there then, unless, you can hang with those conditions set forth, if he's not honest, you sense redflags about him, don't allow you heart to go there, it's like hetero-women who find themselves attracted to gay men, blamming gays for being gay, isn't it?

Locksly(Wooly)

We grabbed.
I primarily use Sceulpey...what is your medium?

I've been gay all my life, had a (much older) male partner for 11 years, but since he died I've been with a woman. She helped me out a lot when he was dying and was the only one who came around after he died, and one thing led to another. She's the only woman I've ever even tried to have sex with; I was always a little curious about women but not even enough to watch straight porn. As it turns out, we don't really fulfill each other sexually (and would still be in an open relationship even if we did), but we are very compatible emotionally. Nonetheless, we're both still looking for daddy; it's just that he wouldn't be the primary relationship for either of us.

Gay guys seem to see me as bisexual now, which is really inaccurate, but I do love her. Society in general sees us as a straight couple, which bothers both of us but especially me because my partner and I actually thought we were pretty well accepted and now I see exactly what "heterosexual privilege" means. But it's pretty hard to avoid people making that assumption, just as it was hard for my partner and me to avoid being thought of as father and son. I've already met a few guys who think they're going to get me to leave her for them because they're men, just like I met guys who thought I would leave my partner for them because they were younger. It's arrogant and shallow behavior in both cases. Nor does being with a woman make me the kind of guy who's looking for a quickie in a bookstore or bar bathroom. I used to do that a lot when I was younger, but I really need experiences that are a little more substantial now.

There are a number of support groups for guys in situations like mine. So far, I've found I don't fit into them. Most guys in my situation either never realized they were gay till they got older, or got married to save face socially, or because they wanted kids (ugh). Most of them are married and have wives they had to come out to, and think of that as the biggest roadblock on the way from straight to gay. Many of them have these psychological masks they wear because they're accustomed to "passing" in straight culture and are still getting used to the idea of being gay. Many of them are coming from religious, socially conservative backgrounds, and are still closeted to the rest of the world even as their wives find out and deal with it. All those things are so far from being who I am that I've just never been able to relate to them.

So what I'm saying is, not only is there a middle ground between hetero and homo, but it includes more than just "bisexual". I used to be one of those guys who rolled his eyes when someone said he was bisexual. If there's any kind of cosmic payback mechanism, I guess this is payback for me.

i think that there is perhaps a good deal of jealousy and rage on the part of many gay men with regard to bisexual men - how dare they have the best of both worlds and how dare they get away doing what they do on the backs of the those in gay community who struggled and suffered to make it what it is today? but take just a moment to think critically about the jealousy and rage. let's first deconstruct what kinds of bisexual men are out there. i know that there are plenty of men who use the title of bisexual as they transition into their own acceptance of their homosexuality. i know that there are numerous married men and men who are otherwise partnered to females who are cheating on them with men and a good deal of them could also be exploiting and stringing along the men that they have sex with. in the end, they are not just taking advantage of the gay men but also the straight women so it is not a one-way exploitation into the gay world. further, there are, of course, men who find both women and other men sexual exciting and attractive - kinsey 3s, who may be up-front about their sexuality. i've met them and had sex with them and the last thing i want to do is chastise them for being honest about who they are attracted to. what we as gay men must do is keep ourselves in check and realize that, just like gay men, bisexual men cannot and should not be lumped into one category that serves to define each and every last one of them incorrectly as callous and opportunistic exploiters and users since that simply is not the case. as members of a minority who often has stereotypes and prejudices heaped upon us even in this day and age, we cannot allow other gay men to make the cardinal sin of engaging in the same narrow-minded line of thought in consideration of others' sexuality or let the actions of one bad-mannered bisexual male be indicative of other bisexual men at large.

OK I've checked back at more responses. So many interesting reads and justifications to the 'bi' issue. A riot!! There is no such thing as 'bi'. Again, I've met many 'bi' men while single - not a one was happy and well adjusted. Just a bunch of gay men that were married to women.

OK, the bottom line here for me is that yes I can respect everybody, and let's acknowledge that minute you label a man some other man despises him to badly paraphrase an ol' song.
So leave the labels and all behind for just one moment. It seems the extreme of hypocrisy for Americans to operate in a mode of intolerance in terms of jobs, rights, and community- but then misbehave on the down low.
Look I don't see many 'BI guy' wearing a Tshirt marching in BI guy pride parades. There seems to be an essential issue here of honesty. Be honest with your girl friends and your boyfriends and behave in the human community with respect and fairness to all. If you can't do that what ever your label (self styled or a Kinsey 3) you are hurting other people.
In a way it is an arrogance kind of thing, if you invite me over, have alll kinds of gay sex with me, and then tell me, by the way I'm engaged to Ms. Right, why oh why would I ever spend time with you again? I can well imagine that there are men enjoying swashbuckling through life and making conquested on both teams, but come on, at least be a cheerleader for both teams!!!!!!

Being retired from the medical field, I noted all sorts of people, Hundreds of shades of blacks, and the same goes for sexuality, one may talk of the "norm" IT IS BUT A NAME GIVEN TO A PERCENTAGE, not a true group of humanity, Beit the frail who is str8 or the masculin giant who is gay, as a lot of people now know there are male and female hormones rushing through our systems, who realy knows what they are doing to our fealing towards any one or other of the sexs, there are many people who are unable to accept others and their ideas; homophobic gays, zenophobes, and all the anti- A to Z's,
Thanks for the enlightening reads guys, I believe as Maya Angelou said so well; "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will also forget what you did, but people will never, never forget how you made them feel." -

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Ones tastes change
Thank you for the post. I am always interested in what others have to say about this subject.
For many of us of a certain age, we know that over time our tastes in what we are attracted to changes. What some men considered their ideal at 17 is not necessarily their ideal at 40. Although exclusively dating men and having sex with them for much my sexual life, I always found certain types of women attractive. The issue for me was, aside from being turned on by men I just have more in common with them. As I have grown older, I have found that the rate women turn me has increased, I masturbate more thinking of them or looking at images of them posing. However, it is only a certain type of woman; the typical swimsuit model types. I even sometimes think of them when having sex with my Boy. He knows I do this, doesn’t mind and shares with me what he sometimes pretend I am filling in for (I think it helps that after almost 10 years together we still turn each other on a great deal, so we can afford to “cheat” on each other this way once in a while). For a lot of people, our sexuality is not a monorail. Sometimes we need to switch tracks for a little while in order to get where we want to go.

I feel one can be a bisexual even if they are exclusively having sex with just one gender, what really matters is what stirs that part deep inside you. Ten or 15 years ago I may have identified myself as being exclusively gay, but now I am comfortable saying I am bi. What keeps me from having sex with a woman now is a matter of practicality. I am in a committed monogamous relationship with a man, and well quite frankly, scoring with the sort of woman I like is really hard work.

I spent too long on Friday screwing around with stuff on my work laptop in an effort to make Firefox's apparent performance not SUCK ASS. Ever since I upgraded to Ubuntu 9.04 I've been somewhat unhappy, mostly as a result of the well publicized issues with Intel Video on Ubuntu 9.04. I read about possible hope with upgrading the driver which also required a kernel upgrade, so I did both and rebooted. And, as I hoped, video seemed a bit...

It's 2009 and we are STILL hearing all the same tired old bullshit and bigotry from gay people towards bisexuality!

Sexual orientation is about attraction. A bisexual person is attracted to both sexes. The word "attracted" meand "likes", not "wants" or "has an overpowering urge to fuck with"...

Think of it this way, Do you like blond guys? Yes? Do you like dark-haired guys? Yes? What, you like BOTH? Why can't you make a decision? And how can you possibly be monogamous if you can't pick just one and stick with it?

Some of you guys really need to grow a brain. Especially the ones bitching about not being treated very well by the married men they have sex with. Hey, guess what? You're benefitting from a guy who cheats on his partner, and enjoying the sex, so take a look at your halo, buddy, I think it may have slipped a little. A cheater is a cheater, be he gay, bisexual, straight or whatever, and you're an equal partner in the deception/betrayal of trust. You're not exactly speaking from the moral highground, are you?

Just accept the fact that when someone tells you he or she likes both sexes, they might actually be telling you the truth. Just because it doesn't fit into the tiny boxes in your brain doesn't change that.

Gayness should be band from the world...