Hmmmmmmm was that a freudian slip or do you truly belive that gay men indulge in the meaningless emotionally empty hook ups for a deeper reason; and not just because men are dogs?

Thanks for a great article, William. I think this method can apply to all states of unhappiness, such as depression. It's an old behavioural trick to 'fake it till you make it'. Neurologically it is possible to change our emotional states to match that which we are doing. Our brain adapts the emotion to the experience.

I totally agree with you, at my age of 32, that each time I fall in love, the fall out, is much more painful...but I've always been one to try and focus on the positive and constructive and take those into my next relationship... My most recent ex of 8 months made such an impression on my heart that when the relationship ended in a gross display of physical violence in public, I was truly devastated and learned most importantly that violence is never the answer, but I would never tolerate anything less than I deserve, no one should, and once you realize someone is mistreating you, it is time to bow out maturely, and hopefully mutually and move on, integrate that experience into your "person" and begin again... More easily said than done, but the one thing that my ex said that was absolutely true was that I am too deep and too serious for him, and for most men, and it's strange because I date older men, and when he would say that I felt at odds because I felt he was calling himself shallow, fake, and/or superficial and I did not fall in love with that person... I have realized a lot about myself from this last relationship and time will heal, as it always does... I'm proud to say I do continue to maintain contact with him, because he was someone very special in my life, and that is the most important thing to do, to honor those that come into our lives and give us wings to grow...emotionally, mentally and most importantly...spiritually.

thank you for your article. I am 46 y old, going through ( I am not sure what/why) a very difficult time, as I met someone overseas(in person), and after 8 months of a weird relationship over the phone, decided to fly out there to see him. To my very sad surprise, he completely blew me off, and won't even answer my phone calls. It was like hitting a brick wall. The worst is, I am deeply emotionally attached, and very very sad. No friends around me in the NYC area where I am, so I am confide to myself, trying to make sense of what life has dished out. I know in time things will be good again, but it's really hard to focus on anything else at the moment. It's been two months now, and I can't stop thinking about him every minute of the day. I guess the worst is NOT knowing what caused such mistreatment. The night before I called as I was boarding the plane in N York, and everything was great... as soon as I land, it was like talking to someone who had NO interest, and someone who wanted to look for an excuse to disagree. Thanks for reading this, and wish you all better luck than I've had!

I'm curious anonymous of post of 10:23 of February . Where in person did you fly to meet this person?

Thank you for the technique. In reflecting on an extremely painful breakup a few years ago, i find that the methods used to 'deal with it', involve
1) Deciding I would deal with it instead of stubbornly denying the reality. It hurt, every moment, to take responsibility and action, by walking forward according to truth and reality. Though at the time, the fear felt like I was walking away or giving up. But it was the only "+" and balanced (read 'healthy') choice. Though I 'knew it' inside, it was a matter of being willing.

2) Having a healthy life. I can only echoe what you already said. Getting out into the life that is there. Being present with whatever I was doing. Sadly, in the early months i would be doing my work, but my mind/heart would be raging/grieving inside miles and worlds away from what I was doing. The opposite seemed to work better. Part of a 'healthy life' also implied taking actions that were self-improving, such as healthy eating, exercise, getting out to a social venue for the fun of it.

It occured to me as you described Morita's method of holding the cup, feeling the warmth, etc, that it seems to be utilizing a natural tendency to escape or divert from what is painful, though it is done willfully and mindfuly toward being in the present.
Thank you for this.
jon makay

My congratulations on your initiative to writing about such subject. I have been experiencing the pain of breaking up a four years long relationship and it's not easy. I've met other guys just for sex, and believe me, I doesn't help much. But at least I'm trying to move on with my own life. Your suggestions made reflect on somethings I've been doing. Thank you.

Your comments, Williams, as well as from your readers are all very helpful. After experiencing a break up with a lover of 5 years, I found myself angry, sad, lonely. Sometimes the anger and sadness was directed at myself for all sorts of reasons, like why did I expect something different, or what a fool I was, or some such self-defeating question. The over all feeling I had was one of loneliness which then tipped into regrets and self-pity. A good friend told me to "drink of that vast well of loneliness". It has something to say to you. That same friend suggested that I connect with strangers as well as friends, a simpler suggestion as yours. She recommended that I make eye contact with everyone I met in public and say "hi". It certainly helped to get me out of myself.

Your topic around gay men and sex is just too lengthy to get into here, but I resonate with an underlying theme you seem to be offering. Too many of us are willing to get less than more because it may mean change, work, responsibility, communicating honestly. That sounds harsh to me, but I've found it to be true with many men and women. Sex is so much easier. So, we take the "easier, softer way" to address our loneliness and feelings of disconnection.

Grieving a relationship is somewhat complicated...it's not the same grief as a lost loved one, because often times the "x" is still around, and also perhaps engaged with someone else, so there is a grieving of the loss of the "presence" of the one you gave yourself to, and also the loss of sense of self..with that reoccurring feeling of "wasn't I enough?"..."did I do too much, or not enough...or just what did I do?"
All too often I have left relationships and carried the complete burden of responsibility. If they were unfaithful, or dishonest then I must have done something to provoke this lack of respect. Losing perspective often accompanies the end of any intense relationship,but all too often from the start someone was looking for "someone"and the other was looking for "something".
One of the paradoxes of relationships or "love" is that we often try to return to an old place of pain to heal it, only with someone "new" who had nothing to do with the situaton to begin with. I know that for myself, healing, is once I have allowed the entire process to pass, and for my wound to be closed before engaging with another.

I'm 50 and alone. All the above agruments sound famliar. look forward to tomorrow give your heart and trust. If by chance you wind up like me in 2020 you tried.

I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and the primary reason is to teach us something about life or something about ourselves that we do not see. Contrary to some of the other replies I have read, I find breakups easier as I get older. When a relationship ends, the first question I ask myself is, What was the purpose of this?, followed by What are the life lessons of this experience. The answers do not come right away, but they do come. You have to be honest with yourself, and open to answers that you may not want to hear. It always takes 2 people to create a relationship and to create the problems. It is extremely useful to do an autopsy and determine how you were the cause of the problem, or maybe how you allowed the problem to escalate to an unresolvable level. One of the most common causes is lack of open and honest communication. Many problems can be resolved if they are discussed in a mature, civilized manner, without accusation, but with a true desire to resolve the problem for the benefit of the relationship. Once I have received the answers I am looking for, and determined where I may have caused or aggravated the problems, I incorporate those lessons into my future relationships. I am not perfect, but I am getting better at it. I believe this is a much more constructive and productive way to handle this situation, rather than brooding and grieving. It is not a process that happens overnight , but I find that I get through the process much faster.

Your comment, "One feature of suffering is morbid rumination about what you have lost", hit home in a powerful way. When my five-year relationship ended last June, I thought it was a mutual thing. Soon I found out there was another person involved, and that he and my former partner were now living together in our home after I mvoed out. I spent six months imagining what they were doing together, their happiness, my unhappiness, thinking about all of the things we did together and always up in a hyper-emotional state. I couldn't even get through my daily workout, because that's something WE did together. But recognizing what triggered me emotionally and learning to avoid those triggers have helped. It gets a little better everyday. We haven't spoken in two months, and ignoring him was the best remedy.

you are just quite plainly the most beautiful man i have ever seen.

Three years ago when my relationship of six years ended I was 48 and this event totally blew me away. I am very grateful to my mother and sister who came to my rescue and gave me the emotional support, comfort, counseling and reassurance I needed. I had an excellent female counselor who let me cry, sob and get hiserical over my breakup and six months later I was a whole new man. She helped me accept the end of that relationship and helped me rebuild my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect. I went back a year later for a "check-up" and was suprised to find out how much of her adivce had gone in one ear and out the other. Today I am 50 nd loving have a renewed zest for life and feel better than ever. As for my ex he is now on "husband" number three and completely out of my life!

I just experienced a devastating break up, after a one year relationship with a guy 30 years younger than me. It was a beautiful relationship the first 6 months, but then i started noticing red flags, that i choose to ignore. He was not available emotionally and withdrew sexually, and was dishonest, and yet i continued to remain in the relationship, without my needs being met. if there are any "lessons" to be learned, it's being true to yourself. my partners dis-honesty just mirrored back to me, that i wasn't being honest with myself. I was in essence, settling for something, thinking, something is better than nothing...when in fact, something is never better than nothing, because that "something" takes you further and further away from what you really want. and to be frank with you, I really don't think a 20 something year old has the emotional make up to manage a on-going-long term relationship. They are more into just having experiences than actually looking for a life partner. I know there are exceptions to this, but generally speaking, if you're REALLY seeking a meaningful love relationship, maybe you should look in the age bracket of the 30's, where the guy is more mature emotionally. Guys in their 20's are fun to be around, but sure don't have what it takes to sustain a relationship.

William, Thank you so much for sharing with me. I wish I could write you privately. I am dealing with a recent break up which has been extremely hard for me to deal with. I have read both your posts, "Break up blues" and "The curse of casual sex" both are fitting to what I am dealing with.

I am coming from the straight world into the gay arena, and I have to say. it is pretty shocking how different the two are. I am a 44 year old man, married at the age of 20, hid behind the title of a being married for over 20 years. My wife left me over a year ago, after doing some soul searching, I choose/elected/decided/got a clue, that I only have one life to live, MINE and it was time to make me whole and not hide in a closet any longer. Although I was not new to gay sex, boy oh boy was/am I new to the gay world. I have done the hook-ups, but that is not what I truly want, my dream is to have ONE man in my life, not bounce from one to another. For me, causal sex, hooking up, is meaningless and not rewarding. What I have come to understand is for some it is a way of life.

I met a man seven months ago, I will just call him Mr. E....When I met him, I really did not find him attractive, endearing and surely not a man I wanted to call mine...But how things do change.

Brief history on Mr. E.....He works a part time job making very little money...he has an ex partner who makes over 100K a year. His ex and he have no relationship although they still share a two bedroom apartment. They do not talk to each other, have not touched in 14 months, live two separate lives and yet, Mr E is kept. His ex pays the rent, the utilities and even leaves money for Mr E to buy food. This is a relationship known by Mr E as a "safety net". Mr E, has spent many years doing the causal hook-ups, but has not entered into any relationships, until me.

Long story made short, I met Mr E at a bar one night, he came on to me, very strong...I did not want anything to do with him, yet gave him a clue how to track me down...I left the bar and went home. Three days later, I got an email, he did his homework and located me, I gave him a gold star and agreed to see him....Once again Mr. E came on very heavy and I was still reserved. Over the next week, the emails continued, the phone calls started and soon we were on the phone four and five times a day.

Mr E made things happen very fast for us, which honestly I was eating up. For the last six months, he made us into a couple, he spent three, four and five days and nights at my home (never missed by his ex), brought his dog to my home every time, we spent Christmas together, he introduced me to all his friends, he would slow dance with me in the kitchen, cuddle up watching TV and so much more. When we were not together, we were on the phone with each other. I fell in love with him, my first gay love and it felt wonderful.

Mr E was into playing pool, something that I had never done...I went to a local pool hall and took lessons. I wanted to please him, to make him happy, the lessons went well and then I bought a pool table and had it delivered, for "us". When I started seeing Mr E, I did not watch TV nor did I even have cable but he was so into movies, tv and shows, I went out and got a 36inch flat screen HD television, had it mounted in the bedroom, ordered cable with 264 channels, for him. He and I are both into leather, so for Valentines day, I got him a leather biker jacket....he also loves to eat, I like to cook, the meals I made for him, I got such great joy watching him savor them. He was the man I wanted to please so badly, I gave myself to him in so many ways.

Mr E is also hiv+, which for Mr Straight man here was a big mind freak...but I learned love can over rule fears. Mr E has a standing doctors appointment every three weeks, I would drive him to all his appointments. When I met Mr E, his levels were not normal, I did not understand what this ment, all I knew was he was concerned. Threes after we were "dating" he had a follow up appointment to recheck the levels, they came back normal. At that time, he thanked me, saying the because of me, he was happy and the stress in his life was gone. I didn't understand that at the time, but later did research on stress and the virus.

Everything was going so well and I felt so happy. Walking down the street, he would take my arm, I was proud to be with him. Driving, he would reach over and take my hand, I loved it. I even told him that I was falling in love with him, his commit was, "we are just dating"...How in the Sam Hell can you be almost living with some one for six months and JUST be dating?
I then came out to my best friend and told her all about him, big deal for Mr Straight guy. The follow week, I got a phone call from Mr E, he said we are over, done, he does not want a relationship but we can still be friends.

That was 6 weeks ago, the last time I saw him, he said that he doesn't even want to be friends with me. My heart has been crushed, my mind only thinks of him, I awake in the morning thinking of him, I am depressed and sad. I just took your advise and posted my profile on DH, aloyalheart and will attempt to feel the porcelain as I do the dishes.

The Curse of Casual Sex, Mr E should read it....Hiv+, can't commit to any relationship, believing the only way to feel good is to have the power to conquer and is totally afraid to want that special man in his life.

What I find even more sad is that I still care for Mr E....Three weeks after him dumping me, his ex gave him until September to get out of the apartment and his company announced they were closing June 30th....Mr E has worked for the same company for 10 years and will only get 96.00 a week on unemployment. I worried his levels are going to cause him real health issues this time. Why should I care???? I can't even be his friend.

I'm glad to see that this particular topic has been brought out into the open. I'll be the first to admit that I take broken hearts quite seriously!

I am a licensed Transpersonal Counselor, who specializes in psychospiritual therapy, as well as a professional Empath & Holistic Practitioner. Throughout the course of my career I have counseled & treated thousands of individuals. Over 75% of the cases I deal with on a regular basis revolve around relationships, which include heartbreak or the fear of it.

Far to often people are consumed by their desire for a relationship so much to the point where all they do is imagine all the good parts. Everyone wants to imagine romantic walks along the beach at sundown, snuggling up in front of a fireplace, or long getaways on a nice sunny afternoon, etc. Problem is that most people neglect to consider the "what if" factor. You see it all the time "LTR"; Long Term Relationship. However, how much thought do people actually put into what that means?

The true reality is that a relationship will last until (A) the relationship breaks up or (B) until one of them dies; that is it. To think in terms of "forever" is so unrealistic. Forever is an awfully long time. So much can & will change within a single year let alone decades.

A relationship is an investment & like any investment, it's foolish to ever enter into one with certain expectations that things will workout favorably. This is the other half of the truth that people often turn a blind eye too because it interrupts their fantasy. They so badly want to have a long term relationship with another person yet, at the same time, they can't find the pleasure of being by themselves in their own company for more than a few hours.

What we dub as "heartbreak" is really feelings of loss. Ultimately this is the final sensation in any damaged or broken relationship. We hurt because we feel like something has been taken from us. A piece of us is missing, our other half is gone.

Why do we feel a loss? Simple, because we were looking outside ourselves for something that can only come from within. We orchestrated fallacious ideals, in our own minds, about how happier we'd be if only we had a relationship; this would make life complete.

What needs to be understood is that heartbreak is NOT a "consequence" but rather, it is a "reaction" & like all reactive behaviors, it is indeed a choice; perhaps not a conscious one but still, it is a choice.. If a person feels brokenhearted after a breakup chances are it's because they were ill equipped to be in that relationship to begin with.

It may be an old cliche but it's true that no love should ever be greater than the love that one has for one's own self. People come to me all the time wanting to know about present & potential romance in their lives. My advice is pretty much always the same. I tell them that a relationship is one of those things you find once you stop trying.

I look at self esteem as though it were a muscle. You can't just build a muscle, make it strong, & then expect it to remain that way without maintaining it. In order to keep the muscle strong you need to continue working on it. Self esteem is no different. Instead of putting all your energy into searching, wanting, waiting, & hoping, use that time to discover & learn new ways for loving yourself. Explore a new hobby, learn a new language, create new friendships &/or build on the ones you already have. Whatever activities make you feel good about yourself & motivate you to spend quality time by yourself.

For example, I love singing & playing my guitar. One of my most favorite pastimes is to hangout at Dolores or Collingwood Park singing & playing guitar. This is an activity that I do that makes me feel good about myself. It's also something I enjoy doing by myself. The benefit I gain from this is that I have something that serves as a constant reminder of just how special & unique I am.

This all started after I experienced my very first broken heart. It's been 14 years but I can remember it as though it were yesterday. I know what it's like to feel so hurt to the point where I was physically ill. It wasn't like I had just lost a limb or like I was some starving mother in Ethiopia with 3 dying babies. Truth is that I was no worst than most., yet, I WAS HEARTBROKEN!

He was the epitome of the perfect daddy type! Some guy I sucked off at the windmills one morning & soon became his little boy toy. I was 22 & he was 42. I mean, you do the math. Though many relationships do manage to bridge a big age difference, it was obvious from the beginning that this one wasn't going to last forever & we both knew it. But what I didn't know was that it would hurt as bad as it did once it was finally over.

I dated this guy for close to a year. We spent almost every evening together. I never felt closer to heaven than those mornings when I was waking up at his side. The thumping of his heartbeat as my head rested on his chest. Flannel sheets & pillow cases during the cold rainy December mornings.

Then without any warning it all came to an end. Overnight I went from being his first choice in company to someone who was now a disturbance if I called him just to say hi. I was reduced to nothing when he found someone older.

I even remember the lyrics to the song I would blast in my car stereo "An older version of me, is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater?"

The pain lasted longer than the relationship. I was overwhelmed with feelings of rejection, self loathing, insecurity, abandonment, & utter hatred for the bastard daddy who broke my heart. Then one day I was driving across the Bay Bridge just whaling from my gut then suddenly, out of now where, this voice just came out. I discovered a part of me that I never knew existed.

Later on that same day I went to the top of Dolores Park & serenaded the sunset. Singing to my hearts content with my newfound voice. Then when I opened my eyes I noticed that a small group of about 15 people had positioned themselves in front of me. Had no idea that they were my first audience until they applauded.

That was when I realized that I am & always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. So long as I keep that relationship strong & vital by never forgetting that no love is greater than that of my own, I will never know heartbreak like I did before.

Since that breakup I've been in & out of relationships. I have felt the pain of breaking up too. However, the pain wasn't like the monstrosity I once knew it to be. Despite being cheated on by one lover & having to breakup with another, I still found reason to celebrate my love for me & for life.

Lastly, William., I just wanted to comment on your opening article. Much of what you described as far as feeling lonely, depressed, reaching out,, etc; it all mimics withdrawal symptoms of someone who is breaking an addiction. There is NOTHING uncommon about this.

I am totally open to answering any questions.

A commenter wrote: Morita's method begins with conscious awareness and acknowledgment of painful feelings. The next step is asking yourself, “What constructive action(s) do these feelings indicate are needed?” The method continues with actual engagement in construction action(s). It is a form of intrapsychic Judo that, instead of opposing the energy of negative feelings, joins with the energy and directs it to constructive action."

This makes such sense to me. When my husband died accidently in January 2008, I wish I had been familar with Morita's method. Western theory's of grief, especially my family's theory of grief, were not as helpful as I wished them to be. It has been very difficult and very emotion-centered. Interpsychic Judo makes so much more sense to me than these 19 months of depression and agony I have experienced. I see clearly how I could have better managed my grief - even as a disabled, non-working, living alone, rural man.

Thank for writing this post!

I had a 13 year relationship with the man of my dreams. Gave him my heart and soul. I would have done ANYTHING for this guy. I am now 7 years past the breakup and I STIlL dream about him. I have no control over my dreams, but have made a determined effort NOT to think of him. I have lost everything because of this loss. I had a friend that kept me alive, and only because of him, am I! I buried both of my parents and the pain was nothing compared to my pain and morning for my x-lover. I am so tired of this constant haunting. I hear a song, see a movie, go to a restaurant, seems like everything brings him back. I have moved to four or five cities, had and lost jobs, got hooked on hydracodone, been to counselors, talked to friends til they were sick of hearing it. Even prayed, I am still obsessed with him. I am now 60 and I have NO purpose in my life, I feel useless and feel like I am just here til I die. I have tried the websites for a man to be interested in but because of my age the responding men are few and seems like I get mostly responses from men in Ghana, Turkey, Russia professing their undying love for me. Its all BS. I would say I would give all I own to be over this, but nothing is left. And before you say it, I am aware that this my problem and not his, it just will not leave me.

"A relationship is one of those things you find once you stop trying."

I believe that completely, but not because I've necessarily experienced it, but everyone I know who is in a successful one tells me that's how it happened, and it's quite cliche.

I do have a question for William and AJ (the Counselor), however, being completely honest:

How do you do that? How do you "stop trying?" I don't understand this concept. Please help me understand (I know this sounds facetious as hell, but I'm being serious).

Everytime I hang out with my coupled friends who are madly in love, everytime I turn on the television, everytime I hear an AMAZING slow song I'd love to share with someone I was involved with, I long for someone even more. How do I stop longing, and stop trying?

Is there something I should do, a technique I should practice, something I need to tell my brain (and my heart) when that happens?

Any advice from ANYONE on this subject who's been through this sense of LONGING before - please help this boy out. It hurts...everyday :-(