I'm sorry to hear this story but if you want the same rights as the str8 folks you need to be smart enough to know what that really means. You want to be equal under the law, which is what happened in this case. A man and a woman, even if the woman is the one working, would face the same thing. She'd have to give up 1/2 of everything when the marriage ended. Why do you think Cali has so many pre-nups - the str8 folks did their homework and know that no matter how much love there is, a relationship can fall apart.
I'm guessing his big secret was that he couldn't be faithful.
You're right, it shouldn't be entered into without much thought and research. Next time, get yourself that pre-nup. No matter how much you love someone, you can't read their mind and know them 100% as many people fool themselves into believing.
Final word: Do your research, know what you're getting into and see how the str8 folks you want to copy do things. And above all, invest some bucks in a pre-nup since the world we live in and the people we love are imperfect.

my understanding is that - even if you have NOT filed - california family law dictates that if you have acted as married couple and comingled finances for example - that the same laws apply to you as if you HAD signed a one page document.

More people should watch & listin to what is said
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=or9FHXS65NI

I too found out 4 years into a relationship that he was a fraud. His whole professional career was bogus and I found myself attempting to get out of my domestic partnership without harm to me. I put he and his son on my insurance at work and they required that we be registered domestic partners, so I did it without any research. I had no idea what a nightmare it could have been had he wanted to make a mess of things. I have had to hold his "secrets" over his head to make him behave. Four more months and I will be legally free of him.

Karma is a wonderful thing. He is now in a relationship (well, they started dating before we broke up...oops) with someone who is equally a liar. My understand is that they each believe the other is something that they are not. I hope they have a wonderful life together...lol

Sorry to hear that something which was meant to be beautiful turned out badly. Sadly it happens all the time. After 30 years with my wife (yes a woman) I came home to find her and her belongings gone and a simple handwritten note on the kitchen table saying it's over. She and her new husband now live in the house we worked half a lifetime to be able to buy. But I have my freedom, I can now admit that I prefer men, and I've learned that material things are fleeting and meaningless. What hurts are the lies, and betrayal, and that fact that someone I loved and provided for and trusted could actually do that. But we learn and we grow, and we try not to make the same mistakes twice.

Hi. Your advice IS very valuable as the California law has changed gradually and the impact of domestic partnerhip has grown with nearly each new legislative sesssion. When some people registered, it WAS simply a symbolic gesture; then as companies and goverments began awarding health benefits to domestic partners, it became a significant tool to address much needed health care concerns in an otherwise unfair system. But now, as you discovered, you do need to go through a full blown divorce to end it, and California law does treat assets the same way as for married couples. Than can be an ugly surprise especially for people who registered BEFORE that was even the case.

A few caveats though. Though almost everything you recounted about assets is true, first, pre-domestic partnership assets, including retirement accounts I believe, are not part of the community property. Everything else you said about property division is true, IN CALIFORNIA. This is governed by state law and the level of equivalency to marriage varies state by state. Indeed nothing you do will bring to equivalency under Federal law, which leads to odd tax situations being treated as married under state law but unmarried under Federal. Too much to go into here, but for example, it is the case that the cost of health insurance for domestic partners of employees is taxable as income, while the for the employee is not taxable. This has caused some people to forgo going on their partner's work health care plan.

Finally, much of the ugliness can be avoided the same way that straight people do it ... with a pre-nup like doc.

Congrats on having the good judgment of character in choosing a mate who DID not take you to the cleaners ... now your single, let's fucK!

I totally agree. My situation has been a nightmare as well. After finding my partners face pic posted on the front page of our local newspaper and on the evening news as a suspect in a public park restroom sting I left with two suitcases and a bruised heart. Stupid I know, I should of stayed until it was resolved. After 19 years together he ended up with everything...pets, house, property, cars, family photos etc. I can't afford to hire a lawyer to fight this for me so I have to just let it go. I moved to Costa Rica and started over with nothing, not easy at this age while he enjoys the benefits of everything we built togther. Lawyers in California are running an average of $400.00 an hour.
We did it for the same reason, health insurance, medical power of attorney, etc. Straight, gay or whatever..I would never enter into a contract like that again..not even with a prenup. Marriage is difficult enough and I think gay ones are even harder.
My advice? if you do this make sure you have a stash somewhere to pay the legal fees if the need ever comes up.

Who is our Captain?

Why is it that nearly every gay man I talk to has zero interest in Marriage? It is clearly a religious institution - you know - a church, with a priest, a flower girl and a boy with a ring on a pillow. No wonder the "god fearing" public thwarts our every interest. It's offensive of us to tap into "their" religious beliefs and force ourselves into their halls of worship. Who the hell are our "gay leaders" speaking on our behalf advocating marriage. We want the civil rights. That's it. You know, much like people that elope to Las Vegas for a civil ceremony - not a marriage. We've used the wrong language - rallied queers into the streets and not paid the least bit of attention to educating ourselves on the difference.

I know this is a slightly different discussion, but it's all related to how poorly we've addressed our own needs. We don't get what we want because we have no leadership expressing what we need.

Here's a slightly different twist. My partner and I were together for 24 years, legally registered domestic partners in California - (yes, for the same reason as everyone else - health care). He passed away suddenly last year and believe me fellas, there is no benefit from your DP status. At every opportunity to gain from your partnership (continued health care, Social Security, retirement benefits, HOME OWNERSHIP!) YOU LOSE. At every opportunity where you wouldn't want to be tied to a person (his credit cards, his unpaid vehicle, outstanding utility bills) YOU BECOME RESPONSIBLE.

We as gay men have lost our ability to fight. Yes, we kick and scream in the street a bit but our leadership has left us without guidance. We are uneducated and clueless. Guess you may have read today that the Catholic Church and the Vatican have stopped a UN resolution that would de-criminalize homosexuality in countries around the world. Yes, YOUR local catholic church supports putting fags in jail. Are we outraged? Guess not. Will we stop doing the dance around equal spousal right? Guess not. It's all a bit too confusing and hey . . . the Edge has a two for one tonight. Let's just cocktail and let the problem just melt away on it's own.

I agree, why do we want this? it all goes terribly wrong.
your partner WILL cheat on you. period. it WILL happen.

and those instances where being 'married' you THINK will help? It wont.
And those times when you dont want to be affiliated, YOU WILL.

My partner died and i'm being left holding the bag on all his bills, medical expenses, I lost my home, my car, the friendship of my neighbors.
ALL of it, over greed.

DONT get married!

personally i think that this makes us realize how important it is to be married to the man that you love and also to be understand that when yo make this commitment you mean it from your heart and not doing it for the hell of it.
I am married to my partner for 5 years already and we have been together for almost 13 years. People ask us how you do it since I am semi retired and he still works. It is a team work with both of you working for the same goals in life. Yes we are men and we love the anatomy of other men however we have to be open and honest and if we decide to play with another man then have that understanding the way we do . We play together or if we play not together we are in the same area where one can watch as the other one plays. As I am 18 years older then my partner I also realize that as I get older my parts may not work as great as they do now. Does he leave me to go look for other sexual partners or does he be honest and bring them home in which I can enjoy the pleasure that he getting from someone else. Remember in our eyes they are only a toy, no emotions no heart breaking and no one actually getting hurt since they know right from the get go that they are a butty call. There is always the possibility that that butty call will actually let down his wall and get emotional however you have to be strong to let them know that the love of your life is in the room with you and that will never change. Sometimes even having a third person in a relationship can hurt it however you have to follow the rules that you all make from the beginning and when things change COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT.