Living together requires a different set of skills from dating while maintaining separate residences. A couple, who get along great as long as they have separate places to which to retreat when desired, may find that living together brings some unpleasant (and also pleasant) surprises. The devil is in the details, as they say.

I personally feel that living together is the quickest and most direct way to get to know someone. One can quickly discover a partner's quirks and habits (or faults) that otherwise would have remained unknown. I have long enjoyed living in community with other men, both in a formal, monastic setting and in an extended household of former and current lovers. Some issues to consider are as follows:

1. Meals—Together or separate? If together, Who cooks? Who shops? Are your tastes and dietary habits compatible? How are food expenses divided, if at all? Will meals happen on a relatively fixed time schedule or haphazardly? Who decides and how?
2. Environment—Who does housecleaning? Who does yardwork, if applicable? Who decides who will do what and by what process? Music played aloud can become a point of irritation either when musical tastes do not mesh well or because of inconvenient timing. Who controls what you watch on TV? Who decides what changes to make in decor, if any? Is there a private space for each person? If there are pets and/or children, who cares for them?
3. Other Chores—Some guys hate doing laundry and others either don't mind or even like it. Ask.

It's great when there is such complimentarity that each partner gets to do only the tasks he enjoys, however it is more realistic to expect that each will have to compromise somewhat. Power inequities, either because of different incomes, ages, or specialized knowledge or skills need to be acknowledged and agreed upon. Speaking as an older man living with a younger, somewhat dependent roommate, I find I'm inclined to assert control over many aspects of our life together, but I'm willing to compromise when it seems necessary to maintain peace.

The dynamics of dominance and submission ALWAYS operate in human relationships, either unconsciously or consciously. The more conscious we are of these, the better we can anticipate likely areas of conflict and work to resolve them positively. We tend to bring preconceived “shoulds” about family living to relationships based on our family histories and customs. In a very real sense agreeing to share lives by living together brings ambassadors of two, different family cultures together to negotiate a deal whereby both can find a level of comfort, or not. The more similar the family backgrounds, the easier the adjustment. These factors can be more important in living together than any shared interests that form the basis of intimacy that is a separate issue.

Men in general are socialized to be independent and competitive. While these qualities may be admirable in some settings, in living together they become challenges. Women in traditional societies are socialized to conform themselves to a large degree to the family culture and aspirations of their husbands. Men can do that, too, of course, but more often they have to negotiate ways to make their independence fit within the framework of shared lives.

Here is a suggestion: If you move in with him, don't insist on paying rent as some sort of statement of equality. Instead, tell him that, in lieu of paying rent, you intend to take the same amount of money that you now pay for rent and put it into savings. Open an account specifically for that purpose; do not touch that money; and INSIST on showing him the statements from time to time.

If he's for real, he'll approve of the idea AND he'll be impressed by your maturity and self-discipline. The sacrifice entailed by the savings will reduce your feelings of taking advantage of his financial status, and it will build some security for you in case things don't go well.

As for living together, I suggest a trial period of a few months, during which time you continue to pay your share of rent at the shared house (the financial burden will be worth it). If it works out, then finalize the deal and start banking what was your rent. If it doesn't work, then you'll still have a place to live.

The dominance and submission issues mentioned by William Schindler are very real. I will presume that you don't have that sort of relationship with this man, i.e., a dad and son dynamic. (Which, I might add, can be a fantastic thing as long as you're both aware of it.) But if it's a more or less equal partnership, then you need to discuss upkeep and maintenance of the house.

It is HIS place, so you can expect that, even in an otherwise equal relationship, he'll be the lead dog when it comes to decor. But you ought to have some input, especially over time. I wouldn't recommend a hard and fast "contract" about that issue, but instead an understanding. Maybe you could be in charge of a couple of rooms or something.

If he's paying the expenses, then you should be doing more of the routine upkeep, although not so much of it that you are acting as a servant -- unless that's an element of a Dominant/submissive relationship, of course. In any case, it's smart to pay attention to these issues, because they'll be present. Good luck!

Welcome to the real world. I don't mean that as a slap in your face or as a nasty comment, but rather as a way of saying, you lucky dog you, you've found the type of man you're attracted too, and obviously you both like each other. Now, for the reality of the situation, you are attracted to older guys, and that means there are going to be certain issues to deal with, which you wouldn't have if you were say attracted to guys your own age, or guys younger than yourself. It's called life, there's always going to be the good and the bad of the situation no matter what the situation.
Okay, having said that, then let me be so bold as to give you a suggestion with your particular situation, coming from the viewpoint of an older guy such as myself. First of all, remember to put yourself into his place (and hopefully he'll be able to do the same) and try to understand WHY he's asking you to move in with him. This will enable you to have some compassion for his way of seeing things, BUT, and this is a big BUT, you have to also consider how you truly feel about moving in with him. Is this something you really want to do, or are you trying to simply please him? The reason answering this question is so important is because if you act out of anything but what you honestly feel deep down, then it's going to become a major problem down the road.
I understand completely why he is asking you to move in with him, with myself being an older man, so I highly suggest that you make sure this is a good move for you first, and then make your decision.
Being an older man, I love the fact that there are guys like you out there, who appreciate the finer points of us older gents, but just remember, it's a give and take situation in both directions, so your older BF has to respect the fact that either good or bad, depending on how he looks at it, he is attracted to younger guys, who themselves come with their own challenges, wants and needs. If he's not able to do this, then he's not being realistic and should change his taste in guys (good luck with that).
Hope that helps you some.

If at all possible, and all agreeable, both of you move to a new place, that you both can call and feel at home.
At the very least, i m sure you would feel better when u invite ur friends over for dinner or TV

Well, congratulations, buddy. When I first met my (now-ex) lover, I was 23, he was 40, and I moved in three weeks after I met him. It was the late 70s and we lasted, with the usual ups and downs, for 18 years. He had fallen in love with someone else, and was decent enough to help me get set in my new home. We remain civil, but not lovey-dovey, and we still can contribute good ideas to each others' lives due to our different points of view. In addition to our age difference, he is a Mayflower WASP, and I am descended from steerage Polish Jews, so our disparate ethnic backgrounds contributed enormnously to each others' growth during those years together up to and including now.

I agree with most if not all of the caveats listed above, but one more needs to be mentioned: the attitudes of your respective friends. Some of them will become mutual friends, and embrace the new partner, but some of your contemporaries may be jealous of the relative ease of your living situation, for example, and some of his older friends may go out of their way to talk about things that happened before you were born, out of envy or just downright mean-spiritedness. We laughed it off at the time, but please don't let it go unnoticed and unmentioned. And wouldn't you know, at the time of the breakup, even after 18 years, some who had been originally my friends and some who had been originally his actually DID say, "I told you so." It was a test of our committment to each other even in our new, "non-relationship" that we were able to laugh those off as well.

I wish you the best of luck and may all your wishes and your partner's wishes come true.

All my best,
Dave

It is a pleasure to read such a worthwhile discussion of the intergenerational attraction. The replies have taken a realistic insight at this joy and collection of problems. I would like to pose the following that has been barely alluded to. There has to be mutual respect, and that requires compromise. The older man does not want to feel he is being used financially, and the younger one doesn't want to be regard as a "kid" who therefore doesn't know anything, and has to learn all from his supposed wise elder. There are two kinds of compromises. The compromise of sharing, and the compromise of surrender. In sharing each has to take into account the other's needs & desires. In the compromise of surrender, one gives in to the wishes/wants of the other, submerging himself to please his partner in order to retain him.

As one who was married to a woman for 30 years, I know about these things. Regarding moving in together, I am in complete agreement with the idea of discussing everything before the move is made. The questions you don't ask will come to haunt you. It is true, that you won't get to know the other man until you live with him. If you pay attention he will let you know as much as he wants you to. The idea, if possible, of going to another place to share is a good one, that way it is not "my home", but our home.

I am glad this blog exists. I have never contributed to anything like this before. Just my opinion was expressed, not definitive thoughts. One last thing. I belive that gays should have the right to marry, but for the reasons stated, not necessarily the wisest thing to do.